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Fic: The Man Your Man

Title: The Man Your Man
Characters/Pairing: Eames/Arthur
Rating: PG
Word Count: 666
Spoilers: The movie.
Disclaimer: Inception is Christopher Nolan's amazing creation. I don't own these brilliant characters, except for Cathy. I just made her up on the spot. :P She's harmless though, even if Arthur says otherwise! I also don't own Old Spice.
Arthur'sAuthor's Note: Crack, parody. I make no apologies for this. None, whatsoever. References to dice rolling/D&D. I'm...really not sure how else to explain this.








“Arthur darling, can you tell me why we've suddenly accumulated nothing but Old Spice products in the bathroom?” Eames asks, leaning against the doorway.

The brunet glances up from his papers. He's trying to come up with a good explanation, but slowly realizes there is no good explanation.

“Let me guess. Cathy?”

He gives a helpless shrug.

“Love, why is it that you can never deny her anything but I can't even get a kiss from you?” pouts the British man.

“I kiss you all the time,” Arthur protests. “Besides, it's not my fault you always seem to get the urge to kiss me when we're driving down the highway. Personally, I'd rather you keep your eyes and hands to yourself while we're going at 40 miles an hour. One day, you'll get us killed.”

“Really? That's not what you said last time,” smirks the older man as he saunters across the room, sliding his arms around his boyfriend, nuzzling his neck.

Arthur scowls but eventually caves like a failed soufflé and turns his head, catching the other man's lips in a light kiss.

“So anyway, tell me what she said...”




A Few Days Ago


Arthur stares at the script, and then back to his agent.

His agent, Cathy, who is grinning from ear to ear.

“No, absolutely not.”

“What do you mean, 'no'?”

“It's utterly ridiculous. I'll look like a fool.”

“You will not,” assures the older woman. “I've been in this business for longer than you've been walking and talking.”

“Cathy, you're thirty-one,” he deadpans.

“So?”

“So, unless you've been doing this since you were in diapers, I highly doubt you've been at it for longer than I've 'been walking and talking'.”

“Oh piffle. You always ruin my fun with your logic and common sense,” she laments.

Flipping through the script one more time, Arthur sighs. “All right, fine.”

“Oh, you will?” she claps her hands together in delight. As if she hadn't known he'd say yes. Because he always says yes to her.

One of these days, his capitulation will end up getting him killed, he swears. But for now, he's only taking a D6 roll in damage. And for some reason, for Arthur, his rolls always land on six. Without fail. At least he's not dreaming.

He takes the script home with him, and studies it like everything else he does. With frightening precision and dedication. He has it memorized, verbatim, by morning.

In the audition, he impresses the director.

And there's no contest as to who gets the part.

In the actual filming, he impresses everyone else, especially since the commercial is one single shot. His lines are delivered smooth, collected and with an amount of grace even Cathy didn't know he possesses. It takes three days but it gets done.

“Hello ladies,” Arthur smiles into the camera, his dark eyes promising wicked, wicked things.

“Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back at your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me...” he picks up a bottle of Old Spice, the foam curling around his fingers. “But if he stopped using lady-scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he's me.”

The scenery suddenly switches from a pristine bathroom to a car, a striped shirt falling from the sky, smoothly landing around his neck.

“Look down. Back up. Where are you? You're in a cab with the man your man could smell like,” Arthur continues.

“What's in your hand? Back at me. I have it. It's that totem you want.” His hand unfurls to reveal a spinning top.

Then all of a sudden, the totem is gone.

“Look again. The totem is now a machine gun. Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady.”

Arthur's last line is coming up, and he finishes it with his usual skill and perfection as his machine gun swiftly vanishes into nothingness, replaced by another Old Spice bottle.

“I'm on a wall.”






END


Inspired by this:
Photobucket
and by http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owGykVbfgUE&feature=related.

I'm not sure who made the picture but I thank them for it because it never fails to make me smile. <3

And also, thanks to sully_is_hott for bringing up Billy Mays' voice which made me think of Old Spice, which made me think of the above picture, which had to be written in fic form. xD




Feedback is, as always, much appreciated. <3

Tag, You're It:

Comments

( 36 traces — Leave a trace )
kiyala
Aug. 22nd, 2010 01:50 pm (UTC)
Nearly spit my coffee at my laptop screen.

Okay. So. This fic? Plus this:

Feedback is, as always, much appreciated.


I love you xD <3
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 01:59 pm (UTC)
Only 'nearly'? *cough* I mean...I'm not sure if I'm horrified or flattered....Maybe a little bit of both. ;)

Thanks for reading it~! Glad you found it amusing. <3
celestineangel
Aug. 22nd, 2010 02:11 pm (UTC)
BWAHAHAHAHA. EXCUSE ME, BRB, DYING.
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 02:16 pm (UTC)
Ooh, all capitals. You flatter me.

Hahaha, last time someone commented on my other fic with all capitals, this fic was written. xD

Thanks for reading! You're excused. ;)
celestineangel
Aug. 22nd, 2010 02:31 pm (UTC)
Arthur as the man your man could smell like is completely all-caps worthy. Definitely.

zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 02:33 pm (UTC)
Good point. Haha, Point...*shot*
quatranoctal
Aug. 22nd, 2010 02:14 pm (UTC)
Word count made me smile, then several lines in the fic did. Also, I think this is the first time I've ever seen the word brunet. It took me a second to realise it wasn't a typo, but it makes sense.

Also, *pokepokepokepokepoke*.
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 02:18 pm (UTC)
The word count was on purpose. >:D I don't use 'brunette' to describe a brown-haired male anymore...not sure why. ^^;

Wait, is that a "get on MSN *pokepokepokepoke*" or a "go to sleep *pokepokepokepoke*"? X_x
quatranoctal
Aug. 22nd, 2010 02:28 pm (UTC)
It's a legitimate word, as far as I can tell, just not one you see used much. Like the distinction between blond and blonde - I suspect a lot of people use them interchangeably these days (heck, Firefox's spell checker doesn't even recognise blonde!)
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 02:38 pm (UTC)
I'm a fan of keeping the two separate. Most people don't care about that, I find. :(
quatranoctal
Aug. 22nd, 2010 02:42 pm (UTC)
English is an ever-changing language, and I'm willing to let some of those changes pass. I refuse to surrender "all right", though.
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 02:48 pm (UTC)
I can't remember the last time I used 'alright' in any sentence, haha. Someone on AMA corrected me with 'a lot' though. <3 Never again shall I make that mistake.
(Deleted comment)
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 02:38 pm (UTC)
Why thank you. <3
sully_is_hott
Aug. 22nd, 2010 04:30 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD THIS IS INCREDIBLE

I got way too excited when I saw that you wrote this! :'D
I can't stop laughing. xD And thanks for the shout out. :')
<333333
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 04:53 pm (UTC)
I had to backtrack and re-read the comments on my other fic to figure out exactly how this fic came to be. I mean, how many people would make a connection between Billy Mays, Old Spice and JGL? LMAO~!

Haha, yes, more Capslock!Comments. It's all your fault, darling. ^_~
sully_is_hott
Aug. 22nd, 2010 05:07 pm (UTC)
LOLLL IT'S THE PERFECT COMBINATION.

Btw- you totally inspired me to write my own poker-ish fic. ;) God knows if it'll be any good, but I'm trying. xD
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 05:12 pm (UTC)
Awesome! Can't wait to read it. Will you post it to the e_a community or in your own journal??
sully_is_hott
Aug. 22nd, 2010 05:15 pm (UTC)
It'll be in e_a! :D <3
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 05:21 pm (UTC)
I've been kinda busy lately and haven't had a chance to back-track and read all the amazing fics posted in the last couple of days, so I'm afraid I may miss it. >_<

Feel free to give me a 'kick' in the right direction after you've posted it. ^_~
sully_is_hott
Aug. 22nd, 2010 05:37 pm (UTC)
Aw, sure thing bb! ;D
clair3
Aug. 22nd, 2010 05:11 pm (UTC)
laughed sooo hard Xd
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 05:13 pm (UTC)
Heh, glad you enjoyed it. <3
okmewriting
Aug. 22nd, 2010 05:17 pm (UTC)
Hehe OMG. This is amazing. There will be a sequel, yes? Because surely Eames is not going to be able to resist commenting when he sees it.
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 05:23 pm (UTC)
Sequel? O.o That...never occurred to me. I didn't expect anyone would want a sequel, lol!

I'll give it some thought though. Thanks for reading it! <3
dementedsiren
Aug. 22nd, 2010 05:34 pm (UTC)
LMAO Aw, this is just fantastic.
"It's that totem you want. The totme is now a machine gun! I'm on a wall."
LMAOLMAOLMAO. I love fandom
zeto
Aug. 22nd, 2010 10:47 pm (UTC)
Fandom is like crack, except better because it's free and there are no nasty side effects. Well, except maybe some exhaustion from staying up far too late, reading, writing and drawing. <3

Thanks for reading it~ Glad you liked it! <3
fabberline
Sep. 21st, 2010 10:23 pm (UTC)
I thought I've commented it, well, strange. I'll comment it now xD
It was SO FUNNY. From cute '“Love, why is it that you can never deny her anything but I can't even get a kiss from you?” pouts the British man.' to the hot end I really like it. Original Old Spice video is, well, kind of creepy for me, I'm really glad it wasn't in my tv ;) But with Arthur it would be best thing ever ;)

Sadly, your fic(s) make me want more Arthur/JGL. I hope you will write a lot more fics with him? (And yes, I'm going to be good girl and comment your other fics, which I read but didn't comment yet ^^)
zeto
Sep. 21st, 2010 11:49 pm (UTC)
Thanks~ Super glad you enjoyed it. :) I think if Arthur actually did commercials in Inception...fangirls and fanboys would die happy. xD

No, that's not sad! More JGL/Arthur is good. Very, very good. <3

I'm having this mental block right now but I am working on more Arthur fics. Very very slowly but surely. ^^;
photoclerk
Oct. 9th, 2010 03:52 pm (UTC)
OH DEAR EFFING CHRIST
I AM DEAD.
I AM SPAMMING THIS TO EVERYONE FUCKING EVER RIGHT NOW.
YOU GET THE DINOSAUR ICON OF JOY
zeto
Oct. 9th, 2010 03:56 pm (UTC)
Wait what? Spamming to who? O_o I haven't had it beta'ed~ T_________T


But I lol'ed. All capitals, yay~! <3 Ooh, I like dinosaurs. Especially ones that curse or betray their fellow dinosaurs. xD
/random Firefly reference

Thanks for reading, BB~ <3
photoclerk
Oct. 9th, 2010 04:03 pm (UTC)
I JUST SHOWED THIS TO MY TOTES STRAIGHT MALE ROOMMATE AND HE DID FANGIRL FLAILS LIKE HE WAS MISS AMERICA AND IT IS THE BEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE OH MY GOD
zeto
Oct. 9th, 2010 04:14 pm (UTC)
O____o I am alarmed and flattered simultaneously. xDD

Does your roommate wear Old Spice? xDDD
photoclerk
Oct. 9th, 2010 04:17 pm (UTC)
He says he has Old Spice body spray. Mostly he's been a giant fangirl for the commercials since they came out, and then he was a giant fangirl for Inception, and I have been mercilessly forcing him to read all the best Arthur/Eames stuff and slowly breaking his brain. This just made his entire life. I swear. He ran around the apartment reciting *from memory* IN A TOWEL AFTER A SHOWER the old spice commercials.
zeto
Oct. 9th, 2010 04:21 pm (UTC)
Tell your roommate he is awesome. xDD Did you guys know that commercial was shot in one take? It took three days. xD


Also, if you want to break his brain or heart, have him read :http://aimlesstravels.livejournal.com/3749.html. I bawled my eyes out. And wasted like 5 tissues. Not humour but so damned good.
reliablemachine
Oct. 14th, 2010 11:56 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, oh my god, THIS.

Arthur scowls but eventually caves like a failed soufflé

I don't even know. I'm dying right now, from love and adoration. <333333333
zeto
Oct. 15th, 2010 02:08 am (UTC)
It's one of my favourite similes to use. ;)

Thank you for reading and commenting, BB. <3 I'm super glad you enjoyed it. ^^
( 36 traces — Leave a trace )